CAFFEINE AND ALCOHOL INDUCED
by Rc
Summary: OK! so i was drinking a coke and alcohol drink while writing this. But Ginny and Voldermort are snogging on a couch. Draco and Harry have isssssues(still drinking by the wayy can't reallly feel my fingers) and um....SWEET TRANSVITITE!
1. hic

OK! This story is caffeine/alcohol induced! So please! Please! BEAR MY CHILD! UM er nevermind that. I'm female..I WANNA BEAR YOUR CHILD! Heh-hic-  
  
Draco: I SUNK YOUR BATTLESHIP!!  
  
Harry: Malfoy we're playing chess..  
  
Draco: O.O I KNEW THAT.  
  
Hermione: Why are you screaming?  
  
Draco: CAUSE THE MUFFIN MAN WILL TELL THE GINGERBEARD MAN THAT THE COOKIE MONSTER WAS HAVING LUNCH WITH JERRY SPRINGER AND THEN THE MACCRONI MEN COME AFTER ME AND TAKE ME SPEEN!  
  
Harry: Um....the muffin man?  
  
Draco: DO YOU KNOW THE MUFFIN MAN?  
  
Herminone: The one that lives on Dowery lane?  
  
Draco: YES! SHE'S MARRIED TO THE MUFFIN MAN! -points at Ginny who was just minding her own busy-  
  
Ginny: Who me?  
  
Harry and Draco: YES YOU!  
  
Ginny: Wasn't me.  
  
Hermione: That did what?  
  
Harry and Draco: -very hyperly- THAT STOLE THE COOKIE'S FROM THE COOKIE JAR!  
  
Ginny: It was.HIM!  
  
Lord Voldermort: O.O -Looks at them from behind the couch where he was playing with barbies- WHO ME!?  
  
All: YES YOU!  
  
.Long silenced pause.  
  
Then suddenly the author breaks into song!  
  
Author: I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVISTITE! FROM TRANSEXAUL TRANSVINIA! -starts dancing in computer chair-  
  
Some where else in the school. Snape has a VERY unhealthy problem.  
  
Snape: -dressed as little Bo-peep- AWW THE CUTE WITTLE SHEEP! OH WHERE HAS MY SHEEP GONE! THEY'VE LEFT ME! -cry's himself straight into the Hogwarts mentally house-  
  
Draco: LIKE OMIGOD! DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?  
  
Harry: LIKE YES! I LIKE SO DID!  
  
Draco and harry sneak into a corner to discuss rather disturbing things only teen-age girls would gossip about.  
  
Hermione: -wearing a tube top and black leather TIGHT pants.- Come on Ginny let's go catch us some ass.  
  
Author: OH GOD I'M SO------  
  
Draco: -has several HOT PINK stripes through his once beautiful blond hair- LIKE OMIGOD! Hermione! Who does your hair!?  
  
Harry: Yes! Like girlfriend you have to tell us! Plwease!  
  
Hermione: -Stares abit- LIKE OK!  
  
Ginny: -feels rather left out.-  
  
Lord Voldermort: -feel rather left out.-  
  
Ginny and lord Voldermort notice each other and it's LOVE at first sight!  
  
They start snogging on the couch by Harry, Draco, and Hermione conversing about which fingernail polish would look good on Brad Pitt.  
  
Harry: Like OK! If you could have anyone! Like who would you have?  
  
Draco: -giggles madly like the little schoolgirl he thinks he is.at the moment.- Like I'd take Tom Riddle.  
  
Hermione: O.O BUT ISN'T HE DEAD? AND SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN GAY?  
  
Author: -gasp- DRACO MALFOY WILL NOT BE GAY IN MY STORY! SORRY GIRLS! -Rewrites-  
  
Draco: -is back to normal- Um.what?  
  
Harry: -looks around- Hey um is that Ginny and Voldermort snogging on the couch?  
  
Hermione: Where?  
  
Draco: Er.behind you.  
  
They all turn.  
  
Hermione: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! THEY DOING MORE THAN SNOGGING!!!  
  
Harry and Draco are right there in the action.  
  
Harry: Is that position possible? -confused look-  
  
Draco: yea. But you have to be VERY flexible. VERY.  
  
Harry: -nods in understanding- Ooh! I see now!  
  
Draco: It all depends on your will! Ya know?  
  
Harry: Yea.  
  
Hermione: OH MY GOD! WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THAT! -her eyes are covered.-  
  
Draco and Harry: -gasp- AND MISS A FREE SHOW!?  
  
Harry: No dear Hermione! That's not possible. Not to watch is depriving us men of what we truly need.  
  
Draco: -nods then blinks- Er.what's that again?  
  
Harry: TO GET LAIDDDDDDD!  
  
Draco and Harry run out of where ever they were in search of loose Hogwarts girls.  
  
Ok..NEED MORE CAFFEINE OR ALCOHOL! Which ever comes first...  
  
Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN! SO GET OFF ME BACK! 


	2. Harry Potter and the Killer Fruits

Harry Potter and the killer fruits!  
It was like any normal day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! Hermione was hanging with Ron who was trying to keep Harry's shizophenia down.  
  
Harry: OH MY GODIE!!!!! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE CLOUD!!! TARTER SAUCEEEEE!!!!!  
  
Butters (Harry's other side): LOOK LOOK IT'S! IT'S!  
  
Harry/Butters points at the great hall and Draco Malfoy comes running out screaming like a little school girl. OH WAIT! HE IS ONE!! HA HA HA!  
  
Rc: -hugs Draco- I DIDN'T MEAN IT!  
  
Draco runs up to the trio and screams:  
  
Draco: THE FRUIT! THE FRUIT! FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!  
  
Ron and Hermione blink as they see Draco latch on to Harry crying his eyes out.  
  
Harry blinks then wraps his arms around Draco.  
  
Harry: DRACO! DON'T CRY! TOAST! I'LL KEEP YOU SAFE! POGO!  
  
Butters: OH NO! WATCH OUT! THE GRAPEFRUIT ARE ATTACKING!  
  
A grapefruit hits Hermione on the head causing her to change her thinking process.  
  
Hermione rips off her shirt and then proceeds to run around screaming something about lollipops, gingerbread men, and THE SKY IS FALLING THE SKY IS FALLING!!!!  
  
Ron is gaging at Hermione's chest and doesn't see the tomato (YES TOMATO'S ARE FRUIT) hit him square in the chest. He looks down.  
  
Ron: OH GOD NO! I'VE BEEN HIT! I'M DIEING! HERMIONE SCREW ME NOW! SCREW ME NOW SO I CAN DIE HAPPY!  
  
Hermione looks over and smiles sweetly.  
  
Hermione: No I'd rather not....YOU POOR ASSCUSE FOR A HUMAN! THE MAN I REALLY WANT IS...  
  
She suddenly jumps Professor Snape and they start shagging right there. Ron, disgusted, dies. Even through he was only hit with a tomato, he has died because he struck a spork up his ass and shoved two quills in his eyes. Hence he bleed....to death.  
  
But the real reason he died was because......really.....I REALLY HATE RON!  
  
Harry/Butters is snogging Draco in the middle of the hall unaware that Hermione and Snape are shagging two steps over and fruit is taking over the school.  
  
But ah who the hell cares.....WHEN YOUR IN LOVE!!!!!  
  
Harry and cast suddenly break into song.  
  
Harry: Time's have changed. Our kids are kids are getting worse. They wont obey their parents They just want to fart and curse!  
  
Draco: Should we blame the government?  
  
Hermione: Or blame society?  
  
Men: Or should we blame the images on TV?  
  
Harry: No, blame Canada  
  
Everyone: Blame Canada  
  
Harry: With all their beady little eyes. And flappin heads so full of lies  
  
Everyone: Blame Canada. Blame Canada  
  
Harry: We need to form a full assault  
  
Everyone: It's Canadas fault!  
  
Draco: Don't blame me. For my son Stan. He saw the darn cartoon. And now he's off to join the Klan!  
  
Hermione: And my boy Eric once. Had my picture on his shelf But now when I see him he tells me to fuck myself!  
  
Harry: Well, blame Canada  
  
Everyone: Blame Canada. It seems that everythings gone wrong Since Canada came along  
  
Everyone: Blame Canada. Blame Canada  
  
Some Guy: There not even a real country anyway  
  
Snape: My son could've been a doctor or a lawyer it's true. Instead he burned up like a piggy on a barbecue  
  
-Everyone stops as two girls come marching down the hall-  
Rc: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka. You're a cock sucking ass licking uncle fucka. You're an uncle fucka, yes its true. Nobody fucks uncles quite like you  
Shan: Shut your fucking face uncle fucka. You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka. You dont eat or sleep or mow the lawn, You just fuck your uncle all day long  
  
-the two girls march away-  
-everyone blinks then continues-  
  
Everyone: Should we blame the matches?. Should we blame the fire? Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?  
  
Harry: Heck no!  
  
Everyone: Blame Canada. Blame Canada  
  
Harry: With all their hockey hubbabaloo  
  
Hermione: And that bitch Anne Murray too  
  
Everyone: Blame Canada. Shame on Canada. The smut we must stop. The trash we must smash. Laughter and fun must all be undone. We must blame them and cause a fuss. Before someone thinks of blaming uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus  
Dumbledore: END! -runs away with porn-  
  
Everyone at Hogwarts: THAT'S THE END FOLKS! 


End file.
